Mini Twister Touches Down in Willowdale Living Room

Environment Canada: December 11, 2010 – Quasi-Official Media Release.

            At 10:35 A.M. a resident of a quiet Willowdale neighbourhood reported finding evidence that a twister had touched down in his living room.

Oh the Ephemera!

            JBM: “Oh, the ephemera! I got up really early today; maybe 10:30. When I got to the front room I found total chaos – much, much worse then the pervasive chaos that was there only yesterday. It looked like the ghost of Madame Benoit had come looking for a recipe and been unable to find it. There were cooking and home decorating books everywhere!”

            The accompanying photo, taken after Tertiary Responders had used heavy equipment to clear a path from the living room door to the couch, gives a glimpse of the havoc wreaked. The homeowner fears it may take many long hours to restore the house to a semblance of its former state:

            JBM: Oh my! Christmas with Martha Stewart – should I shelve that with the cook books or with the home decorating books?”

Helpful Household Hints I

A Little Light Reading Material

When guests come to your house you should always try to make them feel comfortable and at home. The presence of healthy plants and/or small colourful caged songbirds lends a cheerful aspect to the house whilst also subtly reassuring the visitor that the internal environmental conditions are not unduly hazardous.

Magazines, books, and videos of an overtly pornographic nature might be placed out of sight for the duration of the guests’ visit … unless your visitors are a group of nerdy fanboys, in which case the perusal of said media will undoubtedly prove to be the highlight of their visit.

A thoughtful host will remember to place some light reading material in the bathroom. It gives the guests something to while away the time whilst otherwise ensconced in the powder room, and simultaneously serves to distract them from rummaging through your medicine cabinet.

Things Change, Things Stay the Same

Setting: Moravia, December 25,000 B.C.; at the mouth of a Cro-Magnon clan rockshelter; shortly after sunrise; temperature -20°C

The small group of Cro-Magnon hunters stood shivering in the chill morning air. They carried food for a hand of days; the mammoth hunt might take them far across the icy, windswept steppe. They leant upon their spears, waiting for Jahrn; Jahrn was late … again.

The leader, Krug, looked at his assembled kinfolk. They were bundled warmly against the frigid air; bearskin cloaks gathered tightly over their reindeer-skin leggings and tunics; rabbit-skin hats and mitts covering as much exposed skin as possible. Then he looked at his nephew Throg. Throg was wearing reindeer-skin leggings and an open vest.

“Uhm, Throg, are you sure you’re dressed warmly enough?” asked Krug.

“I’m fine,” replied the young man.

“It’s cold now, and it’ll be a lot colder when we get out on the steppe.”

“I said I’m fine.”

“We’re going to be out for a long time, probably days, and …”

“I’m not cold, I’ll be fine,” grumbled the young man.

Krug looked at his nephew. The boy was trying to look like a tough, experienced hunter but Krug thought he could detect a continual slight shiver; and the boy’s teeth were starting to chatter. “Idiot,” Krug thought.

“Maybe you’re not cold now, but you might be later. You should at least wear your hat and mitts, and you could carry your warm cloak,” suggested Krug, trying to keep his tone light.

“Krug’s right,” said Derhn, the boy’s older cousin, “the wind out’n the plain is pure nasty; she’ll steal all your heat if you’re not dressed right.”

“Look, I said I’ll be fine,” bit out the young man.

Krug couldn’t help it; he turned his head and rolled his eyes. “Damned fool idiot,” he thought.

“Hey, are we going hunting today or not?” rumbled Krahg, the leader’s brother, “’cause if we’re not I’m not standing out here all day in the damned wind.”

Krug looked up as his cousin Jahrn finally saw fit to put in an appearance.

“We’re going hunting,” he said, “and” - turning to his nephew - “if you get cold, or your ears turn black and fall off don’t come complaining to me … or to your mother”